Since I share all weird aspects of my life with you all, I feel it’s only right for me to offer up the following PSA—Don’t remove your wisdom teeth.
Don’t do it. I am dead serious. If your dentist says they need to come out, he’s lying and trying to kill you.
If you insist on not heeding my warning, then at least do it when you’re young and there will be no severe consequences if you can’t function for weeks on end or don’t make it out alive.
If you’re past the tender age of, say, 20 and still wish to rid your mouth of teeth, then don’t do it right after a major athletic feat that may compromise your body’s ability to heal.
If you insist on torturing your body in this fashion, then at least go to an oral surgeon who can knock you out and prescribe the strongest narcotics known to man.
If you do that, however, then make certain that said anesthesia and narcotics don’t cause your body any adverse reactions.
If you weren’t aware of your sensitivity to these common medications, do not attempt to rid your body of the poison by vomiting violently and frequently.
If you expelled blood and stomach bile, then do not under any circumstances spit out the blood clots which prevent you from contracting dry socket.
If your blood clots are long gone and dry socket has set in, do not wait for days to seek help from a medical professional.
If you don’t believe that dry socket is that bad, imagine the worst pain you’ve ever felt, multiply it by 1,000, and you still won’t understand.
If you find relief back at the dentist, do not pull over and throw up the medication on the side of the road, putting you right back at square one.
If you self-administer said medication, do not oversleep your alarm in the middle of the night only to awaken to a world of pain.
If you feel pangs of hunger, do not attempt to eat soft foods before your tooth holes begin to regrow tissue.
If you ignore this warning, do not attempt to dig the food out of the tooth holes without a truckload of pain medication.
If you return to the dentist daily to clean and re-medicate the tooth holes, do not physically harm the nurse responsible for the nerve pain blinding your ability to make smart decisions.
If you want a soda, drink a fucking soda.
If you attempt to join the human race again and eat solid foods, do not leave home without your tooth hole syringe.
If you bring your tooth syringe out in public, be sure not to alarm any other bathroom patrons by insisting you are not a drug addict.
If you state you are not a drug addict, make sure that your pharmacy of medications is tucked away safely in your purse.
And finally, if you still want to remove your wisdom teeth, you are an idiot.