Stop what you’re doing and gather ’round—this is an important announcement. It is no longer acceptable to wear tutus. I repeat, no tutus. Ever.
Or anything else silly or ridiculous or “froufrou” for that matter. This includes running skirts, neon compression socks, superhero capes, ugly hats, colorful shoes, or sparkly outfits. All banned from races and other events where runners congregate.
The fashion police held an emergency meeting, not unlike the meeting of the new G7, and decided to crack down on the running community. Enough is enough. Running isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s about winning. The thrill of competition. Beating all your friends and being #1. A tutu only weighs you down. Causes chafing. Displays your immaturity.
Have cancer? No excuse—no tutu for you. Feeling extra flashy? Best to leave your sparkly skirt at home where it belongs.
Thank goodness we have women’s magazines to set us on the straight and narrow. I’m glad that a publication like SELF exists to educate me on my health and well-being and fashion do’s and don’ts.
Oh, wait. This isn’t right. There are no rules. Runners can wear whatever the hell they want in races. Running instantly transforms you into a badass and allows you to bend the “fashion rules.” Tutus are wildly popular and fun. They add whimsy. They can make a 5K seem approachable. They make men hilariously sexy.
Hey SELF, is your common sense on Spring Break 2014? Let’s mislead the girl in the photo as to how the picture will be used. Let’s not ask her why she wore the tutu. Let’s not bother to read her bib with “DIE TUMOR DIE” written on it. Let’s not address our mistake on social media. It’ll go away with time, right? Let’s continue with our regularly scheduled posts. And when we do apologize, let’s half-ass it. Let’s piss off our entire target market. You thought we were about empowering women and encouraging them to be healthy and active? That’s cute.
SELF fucked up. Big time. They shouldn’t have written about tutus, period. It wasn’t funny. It’s worse because they made fun of a cancer patient. But that was just an unfortunate accident—that’s not the real issue. They genuinely believe that tutus are ridiculous and meant to bash runners. And the editor, Lucy, apologizing a day later and only referencing Monika only adds fuel to the fire. If you’re going to say sorry, do it the right way. Mean it. SELF clearly didn’t have an emergency social media plan in place for when something like this occurs. #Win for me—I loved watching their Facebook page implode.
Runners are not people to fuck with. Female runners? Forget about it. You don’t bash something we love and are proud of and get away with it. SELF deserves every ounce of backlash they get. I wish there were a way to know how many people unsubscribe as a result of this disaster. It’d make me laugh.
Hats off to Monika for making tutus and donating money to Girls On The Run. She deserves credit for running a marathon while on chemo, not to be bashed by some arrogant assholes. And hooray to all the women who proudly rock tutus in races.
Do you know what’s BS, SELF? Name calling. And your magazine.