Advertising/Branding,  Products

Open Mouth, Insert Pants—An Open Letter To Lululemon’s Founder

I tried to avoid pulling out my pitchfork and torch and running after Lululemon founder Chip Wilson after he said that Lulu’s pants are not for all bodies. I really did. But his asinine comments and lame apology have been irking me, so I’ll go ahead and spew my hatred. Stand back.

Chip. You’re an asshole. You created a fashionable athletic clothing brand, and with that a cult of Lemonheads. Congrats. But that doesn’t give you a free pass to say stupid shit without major backlash. Didn’t you learn anything from that dumbass Abercrombie CEO? Keep your mouth shut.

If Lululemon were half the inspirational company they claim to be, you’d encourage people of all sizes to exercise their mind, body, and spirit. Wearing your expensive uterus logo. Free advertising, asshole.

Lululemon, see-through yoga pants, Lululemon founder, Chip Wilson, Lemonheads,
Admission – this Lulu top won me over with its “Cold hands. Warm hearts.” mittens. I’m smitten.

But no. Instead, you opt for double exclusivity. You already price your clothing way out of a reasonable range for us working class folks. Why exclude people with larger or awkward body types as well? Did you watch Mean Girls one too many times? Is your lunch table getting too crowded? You only want the rich, skinny girls to sit with you. Heard ya loud and clear, Chip.

Lululemon, see-through yoga pants, Lululemon founder, Chip Wilson, Lemonheads,
Uterus asstag

I’m in marketing. I get that you need to have a primary target market, and with that an image of an “ideal customer.” But for fuck’s sake, don’t say it out loud! Everyone knows that Lululemon’s primary target market is women who don’t thoroughly enjoy food, but you don’t need to verbalize it on television.

Ok, let’s talk pants. No matter what size your thigh gap is, $100 pants should not pile. My $50 Nike pants don’t pile. Hell—my $25 Target bottoms don’t pile! Admit it—your quality sucks. And I won’t even mention the see-through fabric. C’mon now.

Lululemon, see-through yoga pants, Lululemon founder, Chip Wilson, Lemonheads,
Pretty sure these would be deemed inappropriate in at least 30 states

There is no reason why my size 2, yet admittedly disproportionate body can’t fit well into your clothes. My thighs spill out of your shorts like a just-popped can of biscuits. My greyhound ribs and nonexistent boobs make for an unsightly mess in your tank tops. True story—I once tried on every.single.tank in your store. Every one. They looked so bad that the employee recommended I shop online instead. So don’t tell me it’s a “larger woman” problem—it’s a Lululemon problem.

Lululemon, see-through yoga pants, Lululemon founder, Chip Wilson, Lemonheads,
Strikeout. Even that sports bra didn’t fit. Apparently they don’t make child sizes.

But this will all blow over soon. Diehard Lemonheads will continue to drop Gs on clothes they sweat in and smell up, larger women will find a new brand to love, and you will continue to be an asshole. C’est la vie.

Sylvan—out.

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