I’ve never been one to follow trends. I zig when everyone else zags. I wear white pants whenever I feel like it. I march to the beat of my own drum. I do not follow along with the latest trends or celebrity gossip.
And I do not like Adele. Frankly, she scares me. While the rest of the world was bawling over “Hello,” I was sitting in my car scratching my head in confusion. This song isn’t romantic or sad—it’s creepy.
When I mentioned this unpopular opinion to my friend Rachel, she immediately responded with, “well, Adele is a stalker.” And with those words, I realized why Adele has always given me the heebie jeebies. She is a fucking stalker. Her songs always leave me feeling strange and a little empty inside, because now I realize she’s only one lyric away from a restraining order.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And Adele has clearly been scorned a time or twelve. Let’s walk through some of her more…intense lyrics together, shall we?
Hello—I must have called a thousand times / To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
Holy hell, Adele, take a damn hint! The boy didn’t pick up the phone the first 1,000 times, why would he pick up now? Quit calling the poor fellow! He will not accept your apology—chalk it up as a loss and move on with your life.
I’ll Be Waiting—I’ll be waiting for you when you’re ready to love me again / I’ll do everything different / I’ll be better to you
First of all, sweet cheeks, we don’t “do everything different” for our significant others. You do you, and if he doesn’t like it, it’s not meant to be. However! If you wronged him and that’s why he left, chances are the boy ain’t coming back.
Do You Remember—You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said
This particular ex of yours sounds like a smart cookie—he caught a whiff of your crazy and got the hell out of Dodge.
Someone Like You—I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited / But I couldn’t stay, I couldn’t fight it
Oh no! The poor bastard from the previous song didn’t get away after all. Girl, in your opening lines of the song you say that he’s married now. And you’re creepin’ outside his house. No. He better hide his kids, hide his wife.
Make You Feel My Love—I could hold you for a million years / To make you feel my love.
Adele, this is truly why I dislike you. I’m not a big fan of covers. I’m even less of a fan when I love the original song. You turned one of my favorite Garth songs into a sinister lullaby. You’re dead to me.
Rolling In The Deep—You’re gonna wish you never had met me / Don’t underestimate the things that I will do
Ah, the crowning jewel. The song where you finally lose your shit and make actual threats. The song that may secure you a permanent spot on Tindr. The song that ironically won you a Grammy…
So what makes most women fawn over this batshit-crazy singer? Is it her silky voice? Do we secretly want to be her and cry and scream and rage and stalk every single man we’ve wronged? Are we that desperate? Surely not.